I'm back

hi y'all, not sure anyone cares but this is the first day I've had off since I moved to my new place. Mike and I are over as most of you already know. I moved into a tiny place with a roommate, it's around the corner from my parents and I'm very happy about that. It's also 10 minute walk from work so I'm saving a lot of $. Mike is homeless right now, staying with friends, so I got the computer he was supposed to take. For now, I'm back :)

This is hard though. Have to keep reminding myself that I made the right choice. I miss Mike but not the Mike I broke up with, the one I fell inlove with 5 years ago. And we all know that gut is gone. I feel ok most of the time, my friends are all around me and wont let me get too sad. I overreact a lot, someone says the wrong thing and I fall apart... I hate that... I have to give myself some time. Catch my breath...

Boxing Day

Hi all. Here I am. Here it is.

That sunday I wrote last, I hurt my back at work. Was okay the rest of the day but woke up monday and I couldn't move. I managed to go to the bank and pay rent but was in so much pain I called work to tell them I'm not coming. I sent Mike a txt telling him I paid rent and I'm staying home, turns out he was sleeping at Viki's and had the day off. So Viki called me later to ask how I was doing and Mike was just waking up, he asked if I wanted him to come over, he knows since i've been a kid I get very anxious when I'm sick or dissabled. So he came over and I asked if he was going to stay and he said he wanted to stay that night and see how things go if that's okay. He's been home since.

It's not perfect but we're both trying. We had a nice Christmas with our friends although we're totaly broke now because of that. I'm up and down, sometimes I'm optimistic and sometimes I feel like it's never going to work because the same thing will happen again next year... But I'm going with the flow, waiting for things to get better. He's not drinking as much and even if he does I try not to overreact. He finally went to the doctor, new psychiatrist for his bi-polar meds, turns out our insurance can now cover the cost and he did it on his own. cross your fingers...

Another thing. I wanted to go back to school and finish what I started 5 years ago but it looks like I wont be able to because of money issues. I'm really disapointed but I'm thinking instead I'll finally get my drivers license and start school again in the fall. They also have a summer class I'll look into.

I don't know what's going to happen yet but I do know I'm not going to neglect myself like that again, I have to keep investing in myself even if doenst fit with his feelings. I love him but I'm sick of hating myself. I need to take care of me and if he gets in the way of that then... sorry.

Day 7

Sorry I didn't update more..

Tuesday I called and yelled and told hime to come get his shit. Hoped he would do something to stop me but he didn't.

We talked last night, it started like a break up talk, he said he doesn't want to do this to me anymore, said he made me miserable and he couldn't live with that. I told hime not to make this about me, told him if he doesn' want to be with me anymore, just admit it. We talked more and I told him I didn't mean to break up with him on the phone tuesday, I really thought he was going to stop me. We decided to talk more today or tomorrow. I sent him a txt message before, asked if he was ever coming home, he said he's still deciding.

more later... too tired to write...

Day 2

Have the day of today and was going to take off to Tel Aviv for a night to get away and spend some time with Edwin. Wasn't up for it at all. I sleep fine but I'm tired all the time... So I decided to treat myself a little and went to the supermarket, got me some comfort food. Had a really good lunch and I'm going to the Taklit tonight for a couple of beers. Not too many though, been drinking way too much.

Mike and I spoke yesterday and today, mostly technical stuff, what he's doing, where he's sleeping. Last night I went out with Ariane for drinks and talk and we met him, we hugged and talked a bit, he was sober. Today was harder to talk to him, I really feel like I've been dumped. I've been there for him all this time, stayed even though I wanted to leave so many times, and he just left... Just doesn't feel right.

Anyway, I'm trying to figure myself out also. I realized that right now I'm too passive. If he comes back I'll probably say ok, if he wants to break up I'll probably say ok too... I don't know wha I want out of this. I know I can't go on like I did. Him getting drunk every night, disappearing for hours, I can't take it anymore.

Thank you guys for listening... I'm trying to take care of myself, been taking care of him for so long it's strange, but I'm trying...

Untitled

I was waiting to have something to say. Didn't want to write a bitching post that wouldn't make sense. Friday early morning Mike came home, drunk again and we got into a fight because I yelled at the cat and he thought I was ylling at him. He punched a hole into my Ikea coffee table. Friday was horrible. I went to work and cried most of the day. We had a kind of conversation through text messages, he apologized, I got mad... Anyway he called and said he going through something, he doesn't even know what it is but all he wants to do is drink instead of dealing. Said we need to talk and he's getting off work around 2am but he has work early in the morning.

I was pretty sure I was getting dumped. I went out with Nir and Viki and got totaly drunk, can't remember the last time I was this drunk. He showed up and I yelled at hime, told hime if you want to break up grow some fucking balls and do it. he didn't say anything, Viki talked to him a bit.

Today he came home from work and said he needs to figure himslef out, needs to get away so he can think straight. He took a bag and packed a few things, went to stay at his friend's house for the week and he'll call me this weekend. He sent me a text a few minutes ago, said " Promise I'll fix me..".

So I order a pizza and made myself a cosmo and I'm watching a bunch of TV and sewing. I guess this could be a good thing, I need some time to myself too. It just sucks a lot right now and I'm still pretty sure this is the end.

It's been 2 months since my last confession...

The truth is, for real, I couldn't deal with blogging. I'm serious. Mike and I were fighting none stop, I was in a bad place and I just couldn't talk about it. Nothing really happened, nothing major anyway, we just went through some bad times and it was mostly my fault. Maybe it was too big a change and I just overloaded. Trying to find yourself when there's someone right there with you all the time that needs you, it's not easy. Some times I just wanted to leave for a while, needing my head to myself. I'm not there yet by the way but I'm trying. We spent a week in Cyprus and that helped although we had some fights there too but nothing too bad. I'm so trying, I hope he sees that. Not easy waking up one day and realizing you've neglected yourself for 5 years because someone needed you... I always thought I knew what I wanted, turns out, not so much... Spent my whole life thinking I was a bass player, turns out I'm a drummer... private joke but you get it, right...?

Friday Night Lights

Thank you all so much for your kind words. I realized not blogging was just making it worse, I kept trying to keep it all in and had no way to let it out. I was trying to ignore everything I was feeling. I mean, why should I be anxious, I should be happy!!! Right..? But I'm better now, I think when the cardiologist told me it was stress it kinda hit me that I had to take care of it. So I went to see the good doctor Monday, the medication he gave me is helping, I'm almost back to normal. Still have a few irregular heartbeats when I go to sleep but it's a lot better. He wants me to do another test with the medication to see the change and then I have to go back. He's robably going to keep me on the beta blockers for a while. He told me again this is caused by emotional stress and I have to work it out.

One of our bartenders is in fucking Spain for 3 weeks the lucky fuck... So I have to work a few nights a week, I agreed to that, but I didn't agree to work Friday!!! I don't even come to drink at Taklit (that's the bar - hebrew for The Record) on Friday it's so crazy!!! Wish me luck, better take my heart meds before the shift LOL! Cool thing is I only start at 9:30pm so I got the whole day to do nothing. Let y'all know how it went later!

p.s. those of you on FaceBook, Taklit has a page if you wanna check it out, my camera is busted so that's the best I can do right now. Sorry...