Friday Night Lights

Thank you all so much for your kind words. I realized not blogging was just making it worse, I kept trying to keep it all in and had no way to let it out. I was trying to ignore everything I was feeling. I mean, why should I be anxious, I should be happy!!! Right..? But I'm better now, I think when the cardiologist told me it was stress it kinda hit me that I had to take care of it. So I went to see the good doctor Monday, the medication he gave me is helping, I'm almost back to normal. Still have a few irregular heartbeats when I go to sleep but it's a lot better. He wants me to do another test with the medication to see the change and then I have to go back. He's robably going to keep me on the beta blockers for a while. He told me again this is caused by emotional stress and I have to work it out.

One of our bartenders is in fucking Spain for 3 weeks the lucky fuck... So I have to work a few nights a week, I agreed to that, but I didn't agree to work Friday!!! I don't even come to drink at Taklit (that's the bar - hebrew for The Record) on Friday it's so crazy!!! Wish me luck, better take my heart meds before the shift LOL! Cool thing is I only start at 9:30pm so I got the whole day to do nothing. Let y'all know how it went later!

p.s. those of you on FaceBook, Taklit has a page if you wanna check it out, my camera is busted so that's the best I can do right now. Sorry...

No Excuses

Hi y'all, wouldn't blame you if you didn't give a fuck but here's a semi good reason why I wasn't around...

I'm having a lot of fun working at the bar and it's everything I wanted... and more... I started having heart palpitation and arrhythmia. My heart stops and starts again for no reason or it starts beating really fast even when I don't do anything. My mother had the same problem a few years ago, except she was about 50 when that happened..! I went to the doctor and she sent me to do a bunch of tests and see a cardiologist. the first thing she asked was if I was under a lot of stress lately... So I did the tests, ultrasound didn't show any problem and the second test, a 24 hour heart monitor was fun. Except 3 days after I did the test my doctor called me, on my cell to tell me I have to see a cardiologist as soon as possible. Now I was already having a bad day so you can imagine... I was at the bar when she called, alone thank god, I started crying like a baby. So I went to a cardiologist last week and he told me it was stress and anxiety, he gave me some medication that's not helping, I'm going back Monday for another test... Everyone keeps saying I'll be fine but I'm still worried, I know, I should calm down, that's the point...

I know I made a big change and I have to take it slow... Mike and I were going through a rough time lately but I think we worked it out. Still... I managed to give myself a heart condition by freaking out... I don't know, I am happy when I think about it, I guess it's just a lot to take all at once, I did kinda let myself go at my other job and didn't really have a life.

So I'm sorry I wasn't around, I'll write more, seems I need to get some things of my chest. Maybe if I talk about it more it'll help :)

I'm Alive!!!

1. Sory about disappearing. I've been getting used to the new schedule and not spending 8 hours a day in front of the computer. BTW - my keyboard at home sucks and I need a new one!

2. I love my new job so much! I'm not kidding - I'm having so much fun it's ridiculous. No more policy crap, I work with AMAZING people and get to talk about music, art and books all day. I have bruises on my arms from carrying shit and my knees and feet hurt and I'm so fucking happy!

3. WTF moment of the day right here. Whatever you say man... Coz there's no rats on our side of the city... God, I saw one the other day coming out of the open market that could kill a small dog.

4. Cut my hair really short!!! I needed to change another thing, what's wrong with me? Anyway, I'll try to get pics but my camera died :(

5. Question - it's normal to feel insecure in times of change right...?

Missed y'all so much!!!

Yum-O

Still can't believe I don't work in hell anymore... Let me tell y'all, I don't miss it at all, big surprise hu? I started my new job yesterday, I tend bar at The Record that's owned by some friends of mine, they decided to start opening earlier in the day and thought of me, don't know why, I always thought they hated me. I work downtown, takes me 20 minutes to get there instead of an hour and a half! I get to work with people I like, listen to music all day and I'm home by 10pm! Only thing is it's not a lot of money so I might have to find something extra to do. But, it's a start and since my ultimate goal is to have my own pub and restaurant, it's a step in the right direction. No?

Let's talk about something else for a second. Israel has been blessed lately, the food channel started showing 30 minute meals, you know Raeachaeaeal Ray. WTF is that?! Those recipes are HORRIBLE! It's like watching a 30 minute car crash! And I can't turn it coz I keep wanting to see how bad it'll get! I was just watching it now and she made a Korean BBQ with sauerkraut and sweet and sour sauce! This woman should not be allowed near food! And I'm nt even going to star about how annoying she sounds... How did she get so famous? I know what you're thinking, French people are so stuck up about food, and you're right! Me, I like everything, really! I'm not that kind of French, I swear. This shit, however, needs to stop... And she's going to have Gordon Ramsay on her show? She better watch it, he was probably sent by the French culinary institute to smoke her...

It's not me, it's you

Things at work are getting so ugly I’ve been holding off posting because I knew it would just be a whole lot of bitching about work shit. I actually almost cried before leaving for work today. Altogether 12 people that I know of quit because of the pay cuts and our manager is taking this personally and making our lives hell. He’s now trying to make me stay an extra 11 days, too bad he signed my resignation letter that says my last day is June 30th, put that in your pipe and smoke it, bitch!

A local newspaper is running an article about our company. Goes a little something like this – “…future uncertain after hundreds of layoffs… the Jerusalem office, has lost an average of $4 million a year since its opening in 2002… …client confidence is starting to fall off… …confirmed that several clients had withdrawn their business recently… …CEO went overboard, and did irreparable damage…” you get the picture, this ship is sinking and I’m the fuck out of here!

I’m realizing how much of the stress in my life is related to working in this place. I started noticing it about 6 months ago which is when I started thinking of leaving. I’ll spare you the list but it’s long. I called in sick yesterday and was amazed at how happy I was just not being here. Anyway, no more work bitching!

Oh, RIP George Carlin – that really sucks…

Update – HR just informed me I can leave on June 30th – phew!

F.E.A.R

So Sunday I’m reading this interview with Trent Reznor and I read this quote: “Fear has governed my life, if I think about it, I don’t even know why I’m saying this in an interview situation, but I always feel like I’m not good enough for some reason. I wish that wasn’t the case, but left to my own devices, that voice starts speaking up.”

The first thing I thought of was how does someone who’s done so much say that he’s governed by fear? Most of us will die dreaming of doing a fraction of what this guy has accomplished.

The ‘not good enough’ thing I get, 100 percent, that’s me. I’m never good enough no matter what. But I’ve always seen myself as fearless. I think that was only in certain areas. I was never afraid of what I felt, good or bad. I was never afraid of others challenging who I was. But in my professional life, yeah I guess I am afraid.

My parents (love them to death) are very negative people, the attitude around the house is that no matter what you do you’ll never be happy. Life’s a bitch and then you die. And growing up with this mentality fucks you up. So yeah, I never went to college (took a few courses and stopped), I never had a job I loved, never took a chance.

We’re getting closer to the date. July 1st is when I have to tell my boss I’m not staying, not taking the pay cut. Since last week I’ve been having a few doubts, maybe I should stay, maybe I’ll fail miserably and come back to the company begging for a job. The thing is, I can stay, they’ll be happy if I stay. But that’s the point, I need to do something that scares me. I need to challenge myself.

I remember reading in another interview with Trent that for him NIN was a way to challenge himself and to push his limits. “Nine Inch Nails was an experiment with me in discipline. I realized when I was 23 that I had never really tried anything. Schoolwork came easy to me. I learned to play piano effortlessly. I was coasting. I realized that I was afraid to really, really try something, 100 percent, because I had never reached true failure.”

Work Sucks, People=Shit, etc etc…

1. Been in a pretty meh mood lately things are going slow and fast, know what I mean. (I’m not on drugs, I promise)

2. We had a talk with the CEO or COO or CFO or something on Thursday, this company is going to hell fast, basically he fed us some bullshit and then announced we’re all going to have to take an 8% pay cut. According to Israeli law if there’s a worsening of work conditions you can leave with your full compensation payment – I think I’m gonna take that opportunity and cash in. I still have a month to think about it.

3. Shit-stain is living up to his name, the last time we saw Ariane she told us how his poker playing is taking over his life. One time she asked him to pay for her at the bar and he refused unless she promised to pay her back because it came out of his poker fund. Nice guy hu?

4. Thursday is the 3 year birthday party for Mike’s restaurant, it’s going to be a posh affair, they’re renting out a space at this club her in J-town. So I went shopping with my niece and got new threads and some new shoes – that was really fun. I’ve been partying way too much lately and it’s not over yet.

5. Holy shit Naama, from the last post, is fucking gone. I saw her last week and all she talked about for 40 minutes was how she called me 3 times (it was actually 2) and I didn’t answer and she thought I was angry with her. No matter how many times I apologized she kept talking about it. She also slapped me in the face (ME!) and fell into my lap demanding a kiss on the neck… WTF?!

Back!

Hey y’all! Did you miss me? I sure missed you guys! I really did!!! Lots to tell…!

1. Back to work today, the bitch grabbed my arm on the way to tell me her daughter got engaged. So either HR did nothing about my letter or they didn’t mention my name and she’s over it. I’m going for option A.

2. Have a major headache from last night. The Old Friend is moving to a new location after the city kindly asked them to move since they’re demolishing the 100 some year old building it’s located in. My friends band played their very own brand of doom/thrash/whatever metal and the crowed destroyed the place completely, since the building being demolished anyway… not my kind of music, not my kind of behavior but I was there to support. Also had 4 beers and felt nothing but tired but more on that in number 3.

3. I wanna say Rosh Pina was good but I have to be honest. I’m a million miles away lately, I can’t focus, I can’t think straight and I can’t figure out why. So it was good being out of town and spending time with Mike and away from work. But my heart wasn’t in it. My heart’s not into anything lately. I hope I didn’t ruin anyone’s fun, I don’t think I did, Mike had a great time. Maybe my expectations of this little vacation were too high. Maybe it was the PMS. Maybe it’s the letter I sent to HR right before I left. I don’t know.

4. Last Friday I met up with Ariane and we talked a lot. She’s not doing so well lately and I’m so scared of getting sucked back in I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to push too hard coz I don’t want to overload like I did before. I do want to be there for her and I hope I’m doing that. She told me about another jealous fit her dear boyfriend had over some family friend of hers… I could’ve said a million things to make her feel better and to make him look good but I didn’t. I feel kind of guilty but I wasn’t about to make him look good.

5. Tomorrow is Nir’s birthday – god, help us all. He sent everyone a text message last night saying exactly this – ‘well, my B-day is Monday so if you want to see me getting shitfaced I’ll be at the Blue Hole from around 8pm till I pass out’.

Here I Go

Happy May Day y’all! Don’t let you r bosses treat you like cattle EVER.

Since today is also Holocaust Remembrance Day I totally forgot about May Day right? So I come into the work and The Bitch comes up to me and gets in my face telling me I have to do a pre-shift meeting with my team (not telling me why) waving the meeting’s agenda in my face and telling me to tell the team members that there will be a test on this (wtf?) and they’re going to get their asses kicked if they don’t know this stuff. She used those exact words. Seriously. So I looked at her funny and took the papers. The meeting was supposed to start at 14:45 and she comes back exactly at 14:45 and starts again, I ask her what the problem is and she get even more upset, telling me she doesn’t want to make a scene (too late bitch!) so I take everyone to the conference room and like 2 people were a few seconds late and told me she snapped at them on the way in.

Now I explained this before – she is not my fucking supervisor, she’s not even on my fucking team, she can’t tell me what to do. So that was it. I told Pini form my team about a month ago that she only needs to push me so far before I do something, so I did it. I wrote a huge letter to the head of human resources about company policy regarding relatives working together on the same project. I told them what happened today and what’s been happening lately. Then I spoke to my friend who turns out is friends with the head of HR. and now I’m waiting.

I’m aware I might get fired for this. I have to say I don’t care anymore. I told a few people on my team and other teams and they said they will back me up, they’ve been waiting for someone to take a stand. So there. Made my move and now I wait.

Happy May Day to me!

Working on it...

1. I hate blogging on Sundays, it always feels very lonely…

2. Had a couple of tearful fights and a couple of serious talks with Mike about work. One of those included him coming home around 2am. I turned on the bedroom lights and made him look in the mirror. (Thin as hell, pale, dark lines under his eyes). He finally realized what he was doing to himself and is going to talk to his boss. Cross you fingers y’all.

3. Next week – Rosh Pina!!! I can’t wait! 3 days, 2 nights, lots and lots of meat and beer! And quiet… I’m making Mike leave his phone off the whole time, I don’t think he’ll have a problem with that. We’re back Wednesday night for independence day (my favorite days of the year) which means more beer and more meat!

4. Check this! Crazy sis (who threw her husband out and doesn’t need anyone and is on her own and making a shit load of money) called Mike this morning and said she needed him to wire her 500 shekels and she can’t tell him why! LOL! And even better, when Mike said hell no she called her husband!!! He said no and asked her if she needed it to bail her new ‘friend’ (roommate she’s ‘not in a relationship with’) out and she hung up on him! This totally made my day…

5. I need a haircut BAD. I’m going Sunday and that’s it! Before and after pictures?

Keep Me Alive and Give Me Something to Lose

Weekend was good. I got a few things to say though.

Friday night I met up with Ariane and Edwin, happy hour at the Blue Hole like good old times. I had so much fun. I was amazed really, just being around them I felt more like myself then I did in years. Ariane and I talked about stuff I’m not ready to talk about yet (don’t worry it’s hers not mine) so I wont go there right now.

I will however tell you what happened after we left the Blue Hole… we decided to move to Old Friend for a last drink before home and Ariane called shit-stain to ask if he was there, MF answered the phone "so how drunk are you?" And not in a good way… we get there and he’s in a shitty mood which I gracefully ignore and get another beer. I try to spend as much time as I can, talking to others coz I see Ariane and him are getting into an argument.

We all calm down and sit to have a beer and then my friend Evgeni from work shows up. Now, Evgeni studies classical guitar and last night I saw him he was trying to explain smtg to me about the piece he’s learning right now but all I could do was nod. Ariane on the other hand loves classical music, lives and breathes classical music since she was a baby and I thought he would enjoy talking to her. So I introduce them and they start talking, 2 minutes later I come back and they’re having so much fun talking about shit I know nothing about I was very proud. Now – I have to make sure everyone here knows – I was not trying to set them up, I didn’t even think about that, I just thought they have a common interest and they would have a great conversation – understood? Okay, resume. Shit-stain is in the corner making a face, she goes over to find out what’s wrong and he flies into a jealous rage like a 12 year old boy. I swear. There was yelling, gesturing and hitting tables. This isn’t the first time I’ve seen it. Y’all know how I feel about this guy. I didn’t say or do anything. When she went out for some air I followed her and lit her cigarette and asked her if this had anything to do with me because he does that a lot when I’m around. She said no. I don’t remember what else she said, something about how he waited for her when she was in the loony bin and she found porn on his computer and was happy for him or something like that. I was pretty drunk. Then he showed up and I let them talk.

I spoke to Edwin on the way home and he said there’s nothing we can do – she has to make the journey herself. He’s right. I know he’s right, that’s why I didn’t say anything. I also know that it took her and me a year and a NIN concert to start feeling like friends again and I’m not gonna ruin that. Coz she might need me later. But I swear to god and everything I know, if he ever lifts a finger on her, I will break every bone in his body. Trust this.

I got something to say – I got nothing to say

My mood alters from numbing despair to waves of hysteria and I don’t think it’s the diet or the weather so everybody stop telling me that. This isn’t the season, the weight loss, my birthday, the holidays or anything else for that matter. This has to do with the fact that for the past 2-3 years I’ve been working this shit job (with a nice pay check) so that Mike can find his niche, find his calling, find his passion and he did. And all this time I’ve been bitching about when’s my turn and here it is, it’s my turn and I can’t fucking move. I’m paralyzed and fucking scared no idea where to go. I’ve been using Mike, marriage and other circumstances as more GD excuses not to do whatever it is I’m supposed to do. I’m always either too drunk or too depressed or too busy or too tired. So no more of this shit, I gotta figure it out. No more waiting for the feelings to go away and moving on into the same dead end feeling – it’s my fucking turn.

That was a bit heavy but it had to come out. Thank y’all for listening.

The devil made me, only we never met...

1. Mike’s family drama had to come back – it was too quiet lately. Crazy sis went off her meds again… Mike called her to yell at her that she forgot his birthday and she let him know her and her husband split up. She said he told her he can’t keep working and take care of her while she’s home smoking all his money away. She heard he doesn’t love her anymore. We’re not 100% on what happened but they both seem to be okay with splitting up. Only problem is he wants to go back to the states and she wont be able to stay in Israel without him, she’s in denial about that too. More on the story as it develops…

2. Mike’s birthday was really fun, we went to his restaurant for dinner and they wouldn’t let us pay. We ate meat and drank beer and whisky – heaven. Alex bought him shiny new chef uniforms and he’s so happy! Nir, having to spoil us all the time, bought him a new cell! They guys from my work got him some cool t-shirts and 3 bottles of Captain Morgan! I only got him cologne, a new shirt and the Blue Brothers DVD.

3. I hate my job.

4. I heart Agent Bedhead.

5. Must… Stop… Listening... To Queens… (of the stone age)

6. The restaurant is closing for a week for renovations next month so we’re thinking of taking off to Rosh Pina again with Nir – god I need a few days off…

7. Couldn’t decide which picture of JH is yummier so you get both.

Long Ass Post

Okay here comes a whole lot of bitching and a long story.

I never talk a lot about work but this place is fucking nuts. It’s always changing, people being fired, demoted, moving to other project and other department and so on. Anyway, it’s happening again but this time I’m part of it. My supervisor got promoted without getting a raise (which is completely ridiculous) and me being the senior member of our team he dumped a bunch of responsibilities on me. Which is fine except I’m supposed to keep doing my work on top of everything else and I’m not getting a promotion or a raise either. I really didn’t expect this to happen and I’m guessing in a way I didn’t really want it. I know it’s good and they trust me and I might be supervisor (I still don’t think that’s gonna happen) but the point is - I don’t want to be here forever and this is really making me feel like I’m digging my own grave. I’ve been suffering from a lack of creativity in my life that’s really affecting my mood. This isn’t my dream and I feel like I’m running out of time to make it come true. I was fine today until I got here, it’s such a beautiful day, the sun is shining and it’s nice and warm for the first time in months. I got in here and people started talking to me and asking questions, now I got a headache and I feel like crying. It’s probably just temporary stress and I’ll get used to it soon. In the meantime – I just want to grab my shit and run out the building. I’m sure y’all know the feeling.

In other news I still owe y’all the wedding story so here goes. I told y’all about the Blue Hole Pub many times. I’ve been going there for about 10 years and the place has been open since the early 90’s. It’s one of my favorite places on earth and the owners and staff are by now good friends of mine. One of the owners, Eldad, got married to his girlfriend of 13 years last week. It was going to be one hell of a party.

Anyway, the wedding was out of town in a place called Gaash, about an hour and a half out of J-town. The couple organized a bus to take all us Jerusalemites there and back so we can drink ourselves to oblivion and not worry about a thing. We got there and the place was called Stoa concept house. I soon found out what it meant. The first room where we got some warm sangria that tasted like puke and out table cards was in a modernized Moroccan theme, which is fine. But the second room where the reception happened was a futuristic design nightmare. It was a long narrow room made up of different narrow levels. Every level had a steel rail with tiny white plastic tables with monitor in them every few feet showing a slideshow of the bride and grooms family album. It was the stupidest spaces I’ve ever seen. It was dark, stairs everywhere, the back wall was covered in mirrors so you thought it went on forever. The bar was on the top level and everyone had to wait in line because the levels were so narrow you couldn’t have more than 4 people on them at one time. I don’t think I let go of Mike’s arm the whole time and I kept repeating ‘this is freaking me out’.

Anyway after a few hours in that hell space I realized there was a long curtain on the lower wall and a faint purple light was coming from under it. Suddenly some very loud and very dramatic classical music started playing and the curtain wall started lifting revealing a huge white room. And I mean white. All white. The walls, the ceiling, the floor, the tables, the chairs, the bar, the freaking salt and pepper shakers. Everything white. I know what y’all are thinking – white wedding.

So the two got hitched and then we ate and then we drank and drank. Now this is a wedding party full of seasoned drinkers and pub dwellers. Within 1 hour or so the place ran out of single malt whiskey, the beer (thank god) was flowing. They had to move to cheaper stuff and that just made everything worse. After a couple of hours I turn around to see there’s a girl passed out of the floor behind us. Thus began a struggle to help this poor chick. Her friends tried to talk to her and she kept pushing them away, apparently she liked it on the floor. She liked it there so much no matter what we did, she ended up back down there. There were these huge (white) sofas right next to where she fell, so we lifted her up and tried to get her on the sofa, the bitch kicked everyone who was trying to help her (including yours truly) and ended up back on the floor. They tried to give her coffee, water, lemons, fresh air. She kicked and punched and stayed on the floor. I don’t remember how they got her back on the bus but I saw her Saturday at my birthday party and thank god – she didn’t remember me. She wasn’t rolling around on the floor though, that’s probably why.

This post is really long but I have to tell one more story from the wedding. The bride younger sister is a total slut. No really, she is. She came on to Nir like nobody’s business one night and he found out she had a boyfriend and she cheated on him all the time. Anyway. She’s always trying to upstage her sister (the bride). She came to everyone at the wedding, including Mike!!! Bitch. And her boyfriend was right there! That’s not the best part. The best part was her dress. Her naked black lace dress. That thing was so small I found myself watching her dance waiting for a Britney moment, if you catch my drift. The whole thing was black lace and flesh colored fabric so it basically looked like she was totally naked under the black lace. She had these hooker black laced up boots up to her knees. I couldn’t believe it… at her sister’s wedding… I have pictures somewhere of the naked dress - I'll post!

Besides that we had a great time. Really one of the best parties I’ve ever been to. The bus back to J-town was supposed to leave at 1am but Eldad said no fucking way and made us stay till the end.

Baby Talk

Pretty uneventful weekend except my sister gave birth (I have 3 sisters – I know, it’s hard to keep track…). Mike and I went to the hospital and I was asked if I wanna stay for the birth, I politely declined and stayed outside the delivery room. I came in as soon as I heard the baby scream, he’s the cutest and fucking huge! Everyone was telling me Mike and I are next and asking when and shit. I fucking hate that.

So I’m sitting there with this new baby in my arms and as I’ve done many times before I’m trying to feel that feeling (almost) all women have – that they HAVE to have a child. I’ve been doing this for a while, pretty much since I met Mike. I never wanted to have kids, I know how hard it is on your body, your life, your relationship, your bank account and so on… I’ve seen every aspect of having a kid and it doesn’t attract me at all. One of the things I know is you really gotta want it. The thing is – if I felt like I wanted a baby, if I really wanted it – I would totally do it. But I don’t… Is there something wrong with me?

Sick and Stuff

Was out all week with the flu. Particularly nasty one. Lots of fever and general wishing I was dead. Mike was a sweetheart and took care of me. The fever wasn’t so bad though – didn’t see any dead people or have Vietnam War flashbacks this time. I hear you laugh but can you imagine having a conversation with a dead relative in your room at 4am? Anyway. I did become completely obsessed with having one of my tattoos removed for some reason. I was going to start calling laser clinics to find out how much it would be to remove it. Then I decided to have it covered. I don’t know what that was about. When the fever dropped, so did the obsession.

Last night I found my old journals – I didn’t even remember I kept them. I used to write everything that went through my mind – and I mean everything. I spent a few hours going over them and it was kinda hard. I was in a pretty bad place when I wrote most of this stuff. Maybe that’s why I stopped writing like that – it was too much. It made me want to stay home and write all day. Not face the world, just the world inside me.

But I feel much better now. Got back to work today, not even 1 of my dear team mates asked me where I’d been or how I was or even said hi to me. Gotta love that. I don’t know why my supervisor always chooses the weirdest fucking people for our team. Whatever.

Can we have summer now?

Stranger Things Have Happened

One of the things I’m thankful for lately is having Ariane back in my life. You all have a pretty good idea of what our relationship has been like. Up and downs, we’re best friends and sometimes best enemies. I’m glad we both decided to let go of the past and stay friends. Friday night we were talking and drinking a lot and she said she was glad shit-stain gave her a ring because that way it keep most guys from coming on to her. I’d been meaning to ask her about the ring before but didn’t want to push. She said she’s never getting married though and I knew that. Then she said something about having kids. Now you must know – she NEVER wanted to have kids, it was one of the things she knew 100% - she would sooner get married than have kids. So I put my beer down and ask her ‘you wanna have kids?’ trying not to sound too surprised. She says yeah and says it’s all shit-stain’s fault, he wants to have kids and he convinced her. She wants one or two kids. But not 3 because shit-stain already has 2 kids from a previous marriage.

You all know I don’t like shit-stain. You know I accepted him as part of her life and so far he’s been supporting her and helping her get better and I can’t argue with the results. I kinda cringed when she said once that he was the one. Deep down I always felt like something is missing and it’s not gonna last. I’m not proud of that but I can’t ignore how I feel about this.

I guess for most people the decision to have children would seem like a life affirming positive change. It’s not the kids part, it’s the fact that she was so sure about not having any and now she’s picking out baby names. People can change their minds, I know, but is this something you can just change your mind about? It’s just feels like too much of a change.

Maybe it’s me, maybe the changes and events around are exaggerated by my weird mood. But I have to say a lot of people are acting out of character and it’s not helping my feeling of isolation.

Rehab is the New Black

Shrinks call it a personal inventory or an emotional inventory some shit like that. I think I heard it as part of the 12 step program. My friend Avi started posting weird Facebook statuses like ‘Avis is living the first day of the rest of his life’ and such. So I asked him, half jokingly if he was in rehab and turns out my dear friend has made a decision to give up the drink. He said he couldn’t go on the way he was and he was really unhappy. He said it wasn’t about being addicted it’s about the way of life. Did I mention he owns 2 of the most successful bar in J-town? He said he wants a different life and new goals. He can’t act like a 23 year old forever and he needs a different ambition. He’s my age, has 2 successful businesses and he needs a new life. My thoughts – can I take his place? I’m about to turn 32 and I feel like I’ve wasted my life so far battling ghosts inside my head. Trying to get over crippling depression and self esteem issues and just have a fucking job, relationship, smile on my face. I don’t even have a degree or a driver's license. I get his dilemma but I kinda want to shake him and show him how lucky he is. All I can say is I hope you find yourself Avi.

Sadness

It’s always harder for me to blog when bad thing happen. It’s like I don’t want to relive everything in here. Does that make sense? Anyway. I don’t know if y’all remember my friends Sheera and Alan, his brother has been sick for a little more than a year. Leukemia. His dad died a few months back in the middle of everything. They found a donor for his brother but it didn’t work and well… they’re over there basically waiting for him to die. I can’t even imagine what they’re going through right now and I’m here reading her emails every day, trying to keep her going. Mike’s aunt found a lump in her breast and when they took it out they found out the cancer had spread everywhere… Ugh. So forgive me if I’m not updating as much, I just don’t have the strength. I will keep reading and commenting – promise!

Weekend Report

Friday: fucking cat kept me up all night and I couldn’t get back to sleep after Mike left for work. So I basically slept about 2 hours then 30 minutes then 1 hour than 1 hour and a few minutes. Anyway, I got up, went to the market and got some pork chops, potatoes and a chicken. Didn’t rain on me so I was happy. Got back home, scared the shit out of the cat with the vacuum, sweet revenge. This is after I spent 45 minutes trying to remove a ball of cat hair the size of my fist from the tube thingy. Cleaned up the house and took a nap. Now, I’m not a big nap person, I usually prefer 5 cups of coffee coz a nap makes me feel groggy but this nap was fucking amazing. Saved my day, I felt so much better after it! Anyway, Mike got home from work, we had pork chops and mash and some much needed sex. Then we got pretty and went to town to meet Nir.

Nir is going through something weird, he says he got his confidence back, I say he’s turned into an asshole. He’s walking around with this “I’m better than all y’all” attitude, makes me wanna beat the crap out of him. But it won’t last, he’s gonna crash back down to earth soon, either that or I’ll get him back down.

Anyway, a few hour and a few pints later I slipped going up t6he stairs and fell of my knees and slammed my arm on the Old Friend’s metal door, I got a huge painful bruise on my arm and it hurts just to think about it. In my defense it was a combination of bad boots, wet steps and a lot of beer. Anyway to make amends for being a jackass all night Nir gave me his credit card and sent us to Zuni, but they didn’t have my favorite and I ended up with a nasty feta sandwich I hated. Mike and the others got a Zuni Burger (the best in town since Mike started making them) and I stole bites.

Back home around 3 I spent about an hour with my head in the toilet, I blame the feta sandwich, I wasn’t that drunk. And then got some sleep

Saturday: Mike and I sent some time in the Christian quarter looking at the decorated shops, we bought some Christmas decorations and had some food. We followed the smell of grilled meat and ended up in this tiny shop, they had the best grilled chicken I’ve had in years. We got home and baked sugar cookies and finished decorating the house while watching The Santa Clause 2. I roasted a chicken and some potatoes and we had a nice quiet night. No falling down stairs, no throwing up.

Sunday: I’m at work. Did some Christmas shopping and I need more coffee.