Hi Y'all. I'm home and I almost never blog from home. Hubby is alseep in the other room, I need to vent. It's probably not as bad as it sounds and one of the things I'm hoping venting here will do is help me to stop over reacting. I apologize for the spelling and gramar mistakes right away - I dont care right now! an I need my girls to give me shoulders to cry on.
Most of you know hubby is bipolar. And I'm not the most stable person in the world :) hubby has something called rapid cycling. A cycle is the time it takes to get from mania to depression or vice versa, for most bipolars it takes years to complete a cycle, hubby completes 2 cycles a year. the summer months are the hardest because he is manic, high on everything - imagine Gir on speed. He does take medications that help him a lot but they dont turn it off completly. Everyone who's been on any psych meds knows you cant take a pill and forget about it, therapy is a huge part o it. there is a lot of personal work involved and bipolars need A LOT of outside help. But when they're on the happy side of the scale, the last thing they wanna hear is - this is not normal, you're too happy! you need to come down now! would you wanna hear that?!
So this is me lately - the happyness police. It's been about 2 months now and I am so tired... And it's getting worse. He worked last night till 5am and only got home at 8am. I'm not sure what he was doing but let me tell you I imagined everything from kidnapped by the hammas to cheating on me with that waitress he said was hot... He was supposed to be at work at 5pm today and he slept till 6:30, I called him about 12 times and he didnt hear the phone or the alarm... In the end I called his mother (sweetheart) and she was a huge help. She told me I wasnt alone and apparently BOTH his sister are going throught the SAME thing right now. She said she'll help and spoke to him. I think he realized today how bad it was with mising work and the trip home last night/this morning.
And everything she said made sense and helped a lot but I am so tired... I have no strength left in me and I feel so guilty... I am so sick of hearing the sound of my own voice speaking calmly and trying to get my point across, trying to get to him. I am so tired of repeating the same shit, explaining again and again why I dont think it's a good idea to have that chaser of tequila right now or why I think he should come home after work and not go drinking with his co-workers. knowing this is all gonna end in about 1 month when he crashes to the ground and guess who's gonna be there to pick up the pieces?
I hate myself for saying all this, I knew about this before I married him and god knows I got my own issues. but the truth is I'm not a fucking shrink. and I wont last long like this. I already wanna leave, I find myslef wishing I could take a vacation from him. From my husband!!! The love of my life!!! I need him to get regular profesional help and I need someone to share the weight... so why do I feel so guilty?
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6 comments:
Oh man, I wish I had some answers for you :( But as you already know, of course, there really AREN'T any "answers"
I don't know why you feel guilty - I get the guilties too, and I don't know WHY.
That's just it, with all of this stuff, I DON'T KNOW WHY...
So, um, anyway, I 'spose I'm not much help here...LOL but I DO understand what you're going through. ALthough I'M the one that puts OTHERS through it (namely my mom - that woman is a SAINT LOL)
I guess the best I can do is tell you to talk about it as much as you need to, vent as much as you need to, and we'll ALL be here for you. Oh, and that you're not alone, I know it FEELS like it, esp. when you're right in the thick of it, but you aren't.
Big hugs from me, my dear XOXOXOXO
OHHHH Sarah....
As someone who works with people who run the spectrum of mental illness, I've got to tell you that A) its good for you to vent, B) its good that you knew what you were getting into when you got married and still wanted to marry him anyway, and you're willing to work at it, C) its common to feel guilty when you're in the situation you're in, and D) if a vacation from your hubbie is something that you feel you need, then you should take it... And when dealing with bipolar disorder, it's better to take that vacation during the mania than the depression phase.
If we're shooting for advice, I say that you need to have a chat with your man. Say something to the effect of, "Honey, I love you, and I'm not leaving you, but you're wearing me out right now, and I've to to remove myself from the situation for a little while to maintain my own sanity." If you are in regular enough contact with his mom and sis, then hopefully they will back you up and be his safety net while you're away.
The fact is that while you love him, you've got to take care of yourself as well.
e-mail me if you need anything.
you guys rock :)
What the hell???? Are all the men going nuts this summer??? Mine has been on a super ME ME ME kick for about a month now and I"M ready to leave too! I think you feel guilty because you know he's "sick" and there isn't anything you can do and the meds don't help but you hate the situation, etc...I'm making no sense but I think it boils down to you wanting to leave the SICKNESS and not him. Is that better? I'm giving myself a headache.
I have a friend of a friend whose husband is like yours and let me tell you...the BOOZE is not good especially with the pills. That sends him into oblivion and when he crashes and drinks...it's hell for her. I totally understand where you are coming from. BD is slightly on the bi-polar side but refuses to acknowledge it.
Like Jenner said, vent away. We all do it!!! AHAHAHAHAH!
And yes, take a break. Go get a hotel for the night or something and just get away.
OMG!! I don't know what to say, Sarah. I'm going thru hell and back with my squizophrenic sister...my mom is stressed to the point she doesnt sleep anymore, I really don't have any advice here, just wanted to let you know you're not alone, and that there are people out there going thru the same crap and worse. :)
Ohhhhhhhh . . . I feel for you. My family drama and my mother's hospital visit - she is bipolar and also the rapid cycling kind. Oh, wow can I relate to how worn out you must be. And she is my mother, mind you - not my significant other.
I say get some therapy for yourself. Perhaps even joint therapy if he'll go for it. It will help you loads to have someone to talk to, plus maybe you can get some coping strategies and adivce on how to deal with the episodes.
As for the guilt, it's probably becuase you've assumed responsibility for his life as well as your own. You can't do that. You can help, but you can't live his life for him and make sure he's where he needs to be or doing what he's supposed to be doing. Relinquish some of that and it might help. That's easy for me to say, but harder for you to do. It's got to be exhausting trying to keep both your lives on schedule.
Vent all you want, and I'm here for you if you need me. I'm sure you must be exhausted. Why don't you take a "girls" weekend with a friend. A holiday like that would do you good.
**hugs & sending much positive energy your way**
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