So Friday night, I thought was gonna suck balls because, as we all know I got no cash and my sugar daddy Nir wasn’t answering the phone. Also Alex and Barb said they wanted to go out early coz they had to drive 4 hours to Carmiel the next day. Oh, and they wanted to drink so they’re leaving the car at home so no ride for me. The way it looked I was gonna smoke Mike’s cigs (which I hate), drink water and then walk 45 minutes home at the end of the night. But, Nir called, bought me cigarettes and Barb said the early thing was Alex’s idea and it’s her birthday so she can stay out as late as she wants.
I drank so much… I don’t know how it happened, I’m usually careful even if I do get shitfaced. But this time it snuck up on me. We went from the Blue Hole to the Old Friend (the threshold to hell as some people call it here). Nir left after 10 minutes because for some reason he doesn’t like the vibe down there. Ariane and shit stain were there and we talked. Well, I talked. I talked a lot, I don’t remember all of it but I guess I worried Ariane coz she called me the next day to ask if I was okay. I remember I had some sort of epiphany but I knew I was gonna forget it so I stole a shot glass to remember it and I still can’t. And then Barb’s stoner friend fell asleep on my bag and I tore a strap trying to get it from under her. Bitch. Anyway I drank way too much and got sick later during the night.
The thing is everyone around me has real problems. Mike’s parents leaving, Barb’s step dad is dying of cancer. Alan’s brother is fighting leukemia. Me, I just don’t remember who I am, minor problem. I just wish everyone would stop having real problems so I can feel sorry for myself without feeling guilty…
I drank so much… I don’t know how it happened, I’m usually careful even if I do get shitfaced. But this time it snuck up on me. We went from the Blue Hole to the Old Friend (the threshold to hell as some people call it here). Nir left after 10 minutes because for some reason he doesn’t like the vibe down there. Ariane and shit stain were there and we talked. Well, I talked. I talked a lot, I don’t remember all of it but I guess I worried Ariane coz she called me the next day to ask if I was okay. I remember I had some sort of epiphany but I knew I was gonna forget it so I stole a shot glass to remember it and I still can’t. And then Barb’s stoner friend fell asleep on my bag and I tore a strap trying to get it from under her. Bitch. Anyway I drank way too much and got sick later during the night.
The thing is everyone around me has real problems. Mike’s parents leaving, Barb’s step dad is dying of cancer. Alan’s brother is fighting leukemia. Me, I just don’t remember who I am, minor problem. I just wish everyone would stop having real problems so I can feel sorry for myself without feeling guilty…
12 comments:
Good Sunday evening to you, Sarahreznor.
Snicker... I loved that last line :)
You can feel sorry for yourself with me! Just pour your little heart out in an e-mail. I care!
I'm not even going to bother telling you your feelings are just as valid as anyone else's, because EVERYONE'S gonna tell you that - and it's the truth - but I know no matter how many of us tell you that you have to figure it out for yourself.
But yeah, you don't have to feel guilty, these are YOUR issues and are therefore important to YOU.
So I guess I said exactly what I said I wasn't going to bother saying.....? LOL
ANYWAY it's true. You feel however you damn well wanna feel and make NO apologies for it. BESIDES, when someone has "concrete" issues like illness & stuff, it's totally different from "non concrete" ones, like, internal/mental stuff, stuff that doesn't actually have a solution, you know? Like, you can't go to the hospital & get it fixed or anything. So you don't know how to deal with it bcs there are no guidelines, and hell, who knows what the f*ck the solution is because there IS no actual SOLUTION?!?!?! And not knowing who you are - that's a pretty damn big/important issue. Especially since it affects YOU so much, and you will have to live with you for your entire life.
So you see, I hear ya.....sorry for rambling, but I hear ya.......LOL
Fuck that! Who says your problems aren't real or as important as everyone elses?!? Just because you're not dying of cancer doesn't mean you're not going through something importants. Silly twat! Don't diminish what you're feeling, darnit!
Repeat after me. What I feel is valid. There. Good job!
I love you guys! :,)
I blame my parents (btw – I have a MST3K called ‘I accuse my parents’) they always made me feel guilty about what I was feeling, I was called selfish so many times it stuck I guess. Even though I KNOW I’m not a selfish person.
I Accuse my Parents is AWESOME - one of my FAVOURITE Joel episodes!!!!!!!!
It's so hard to escape the stuff you were told over & over as a kid. I STILL feel guilty when I'm sick, bcs I'm supposed to "suck it up" & "get over it"
But if MOM'S sick? Oooooh look out, you won't stop hearing about it for WEEKS. And then recaps for montsh afterwards *rolls eyes* LOL
OMG!!! Jenn!!! I am EXACTLY the same when I'm sick!!!! And my mom is the same too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My sister told me the other day she still feels guilty buying clothes because when we grew up all we heard was there's no money...!
You know...fuck 'em. You are totally allowed to have moments where it is all about YOU. MEMEMEMEME is what I call it. We always spend too much time worrying about others and when we want a MEMEMEMEM moment, somehow we are wrong? What hell?
I need a drink...
Me too Pook, what are you doing after work?
sarah I ditto what jen said in the beginning, particularly about feeling like hey, it's not something showing on the outside so it's frustrating... like people can't "see" what's wrong with you and they want to assume you're making it worse than it is. and other people have "concrete" problems like those you mentioned so it makes you feel ridiculous.
I know at my darkest and lowest and most lost, I had no help from anyone, not even those I thought I could count on. and I drank too much. and I felt very alone and invalidated and crazy and just plain WRONG all the time (thank god the people in my life are very different now, literally and figuratively).
but I HATE to think of you (or anyone for that matter) feeling even a little bit of that - so I'm for sure here for you anytime you want to talk or vent or cry. ~much love~
Good evening to you!! I do feel guilty when other people have way worse problems than I do, but at the same, I am fucking tired, and these are still not simple problems for me, and I am just tired. I hope all is well with you. Sorry I havent been around, but you are in my thoughts!! :)
I will basically say ditto to what everyone else said because very valid points were made. What do I have to contribute? Well, I think it sounds like vacation time. Mental and physical vacation!
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