F.E.A.R

So Sunday I’m reading this interview with Trent Reznor and I read this quote: “Fear has governed my life, if I think about it, I don’t even know why I’m saying this in an interview situation, but I always feel like I’m not good enough for some reason. I wish that wasn’t the case, but left to my own devices, that voice starts speaking up.”

The first thing I thought of was how does someone who’s done so much say that he’s governed by fear? Most of us will die dreaming of doing a fraction of what this guy has accomplished.

The ‘not good enough’ thing I get, 100 percent, that’s me. I’m never good enough no matter what. But I’ve always seen myself as fearless. I think that was only in certain areas. I was never afraid of what I felt, good or bad. I was never afraid of others challenging who I was. But in my professional life, yeah I guess I am afraid.

My parents (love them to death) are very negative people, the attitude around the house is that no matter what you do you’ll never be happy. Life’s a bitch and then you die. And growing up with this mentality fucks you up. So yeah, I never went to college (took a few courses and stopped), I never had a job I loved, never took a chance.

We’re getting closer to the date. July 1st is when I have to tell my boss I’m not staying, not taking the pay cut. Since last week I’ve been having a few doubts, maybe I should stay, maybe I’ll fail miserably and come back to the company begging for a job. The thing is, I can stay, they’ll be happy if I stay. But that’s the point, I need to do something that scares me. I need to challenge myself.

I remember reading in another interview with Trent that for him NIN was a way to challenge himself and to push his limits. “Nine Inch Nails was an experiment with me in discipline. I realized when I was 23 that I had never really tried anything. Schoolwork came easy to me. I learned to play piano effortlessly. I was coasting. I realized that I was afraid to really, really try something, 100 percent, because I had never reached true failure.”